Web Side Story

Dear kindly Sergeant Bupkis,
You gotta understand,
It's just our bringin' up-kiss
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are laughers,
Our fathers all are lunks.
Golly Barsoom, natcherly we're shtunks!

Gee, Officer Bupkis, we're very upset;
We never had the love that ev'ry child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

There is good!

There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

That's a touchin' good story.

Lemme post it to World Crossing!

Just tell it to the judge.

Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their magic dragons,
They won't give me a Puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards! That's why I'm so bad!


Officer Bupkis, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!

I'm disturbed!

We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

In the opinion of this Kort, this child is depraved on account
he ain't had a normal home.
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived. So take him to a headshrinker. My father is a bastard, My ma's an S.O.B. My grandpa's always plastered, My grandma pushes tea. My sister wears a mustache, My brother wears a dress. Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess! Yes! Officer Bupkis, you're really a slob. This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job. Society's played him a terrible trick, And sociologic'ly he's sick! I am sick! We are sick, we are sick, We are sick, sick, sick, Like we're sociologically sick! In my opinion, this child don't need to have his head shrunk
at all. Cyberspace delinquency is purely a social disease!
Hey, I got a social disease! So take him to a social worker! Dear kindly social worker, They say go earn a buck. Like be a forum jerker, Which means like be a schmuck. It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-work. Gloryosky! That's why I'm a jerk! Eek! Officer Bupkis, you've done it again. This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen. It ain't just a question of misunderstood; Deep down inside him, he's no good! I'm no good! We're no good, we're no good! We're no earthly good, Like the best of us is no damn good! The trouble is he's crazy. The trouble is he links. The trouble is he's lazy. The trouble is he stinks. The trouble is he's gruesome. The trouble is he's grown. Bupkis, we got troubles of our own! Gee, Officer Bupkis, We're down on our knees, 'Cause no one wants a wanker with a social disease. Gee, Officer Bupkis, What are we to do? Gee, Officer Bupkis, Bump you!